this is the place that i want to be forever.

it turns out that i won't be getting back until late "monday" night. my bad.

however, i don't care because i'm trapped up in the euphoria of being in lovely lovely new york. it's right there in the perfect median of my lowest and highest expectations. it's beautiful and big and overpopulated and hot and dirty and the people are incredibly rude and apathetic (most of them anyway), but i love it sooo much. i don't know why, but just being in the city fills me with this impossible foreign energy. it keeps me awake at night, it makes me feel as though i could swim to fucking new jersey (a bit of an inside joke).

i've bought a bunch of cool clothes off of the streets so far, including a john lennon t-shirt (meaning i have to start listeining to john lennon now), this awesome awesome plaid jacket, and some other stuff that i won't describe lest i lose what little masculinity i have left. man i love the buying of things here, it's like nigeria (when i went i went to lagos, a city even bigger than new york) with the street vendors and stuff, but it's better, it's more compfortable which goes to show how incredibly americanized i have been.

speaking of my clashing american-african dynamic, my parents have taken a liking to preaching at me over the past few days. i have "learned" (meaning i've either known these things forever, or atleast known what my parents views were) the following things:

1. being the oldest has put me in the shitty position of deciding the future of my siblings and all 22 of my first fucking cousins.
2. being black has put me in the shitty position of having to work apparantly twice has hard as all of you uber cool people (except for you tre O _O).
3. being the lazy gluttonous pig that i am has put me in the shitty position of being destined to die young (thank you familial history of diabetes) and having to work through all that annoying shit so that i can continue to work twice as hard as all of you uber cool people.
4. i deserve fucking affirmative action, ok!?! ok!?! thank you.
5. my parents had it pretty bad, so i'm pretty fucking lucky.
6. my getting into columbia or an equally prestigous school and then doing something that makes a helluvalot of money whether it makes me happy or not is essential to my happiness, the happiness of my parents, ancestors, and the success of all my younger siblings and cousins (sweet!).

oh there's more to bitch about, i've come to realize that my parents love to victimize themselves and feel that the world is against them but while i'm on the whole columbia tangent: columbia is also an incredible place to be. the campus is beautiful, the english program is amazing. the place is so...unstuffy. the only difference between the campus and the rest of the city comes from the occasional flag hanging from the third story or so of every building. the students are seem to do an incredible job of pretending to be happy to be there and are amazingly diverse (i mean i think the predominant stereotype was the over-acheiving asian-american indie-kid smoker, and how fucking cool is that?).

" Conservatives warn that CU “is downright über-liberal . . . . ‘Left-wing’ is probably an understatement.” Agrees one of the pinko masses, “The two Republicans that attend here are burned in effigy fairly frequently." man i love that quote. i'm not that liberal, but still.

so that's the place i wanna be, and i'm going to do whatever the fook i have to in order to get there, even if it means killing myself and getting straight A's at le S&M (not happening i know), even if it means playing the black card t'ill it goes out like a light I WILL GET INTO THAT SCHOOL.

so.

how have you been?

i'm off to new york for then ext few days. because it's cool.
i'll probably be back late sunday night.

listening to loads of music including:
the rapture
rufus wainright
sufjan stevens
brian eno
david bowie

those last two are especially surprising. but hey "rebel rebel" is fucking catchy.

and on another quick note. i am a lyrical genius. not really, but i'm having fun being all prolific right now. i can't wait to start editing and actually writing for the band.

"1, 2, 3, 4, kick that fucker out the door!"
- "killing" by the  rapture

You know, the sun is in your eyes
And hurricanes and rains
and black and cloudy skies.

You're running up and down that hill.
You turn it on and off at will.
There's nothing here to thrill
or bring you down.
And if you've got no other choice
You know you can follow my voice
through the dark turns and noise
of this wicked little town.

Oh Lady, luck has led you here
and they're so twisted up
they'll twist you up. I fear.

the pious, hateful and devout,
you're turning tricks til you're turned out,
the wind so cold it burns,
you're burning out and blowing round.
And if you've got no other choice
you know you can follow my voice
through the dark turns and noise
of this wicked little town.

The fates are vicious and they're cruel.
You learn too late you've used two wishes
like a fool

and then you're someone you are not,
and Junction City ain't the spot,
remember Mrs. Lot
and when she turned around.
And if you've got no other choice
You know you can follow my voice
through the dark turns and noise
of this wicked little town.

- "Wicked Little Town" from the play "Hedwig and the Angry Inch"
 
I think i could become obsessed with this thing that is Hedwig and the Angry Inch.
 
but anyways, thanks to some great great great advice from tre, i'm feeling rather brilliant at the moment. i've been having all kinds of dreams and ideas and i just want to write it all down. i'm almost a little afraid to start, but very happy about the whole feeling of it.
 
oh, and "mommy dearest" is one fucked up movie.
 
"DON'T FUCK WITH ME FELLAS, this ain't my first time at the rodeo."

it's been my birthday for about ten minutes now and i'm feeling kind of down. i haven't posted in a while and i didn't plan to start posting this soon but something needs to send that stupid song of mine down and out of sight.

but yeah, i sincerely hope i'm not turning into one of those people who get all depressed on their birthdays. cause if so it wouldn't be for your normal and respectable innocence-lost type reasons. it'd be because i'm used to being all spoiled and made special on my birthday. but now my mom has a nine to five job that she can't exactly take time of from. and now i've worked myself into these situations where i can't get anything tangible on my birthday because i have a big old expensive laptop on the way along with two or three hundred dollars that my parents owe me.

this is funny though because today was such a great day for what should be a great week. spent three full days with eric and tre doing nothing but playing music and writing and actually starting to record with roger. and of course there is the whole birthday thing followed by maybe taking pictures with tom martin. then of course there's the picnic i'm hosting saturday in nash sq from 6:30 to 8:30.

but the second i realized it was my birthday i got really pissed off. and now i can't help thinking about how bleak everything contained within the next 366 rotations seems to be.

in the near future is the fact that i'm like anti-photogenic and anti social. which sucks because i'm gonna maybe get a bunch of pictures taken of me and i'm hosting a god damned party on saturday. that last bit sucks even more because a lot of the people i've either grown really close to or have always been close to (i.e. danny, emma, and walt) are'nt gonna be able to come.

after that there's the rest of the summer having to prepare for what may prove to be the most difficult experience of my life, socially, academically, and probably psychologically and

you know what, screw this. it's my god damned birthday. it's my fucking sweet sixteen.

i'm gonna be happy and not care about anything else. weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!