so the summer has begun.

thursday was filled with conflicting emotions, basically all the ones you'd expect but they kind of cancelled out into this big vacuum. i mean, the very act of leaving rchs and my friends for what mey very well be the last time was...scary. i mean i was happy and sad and excited and anxious and regretful and very amused by the activities that had been taken place. but above all else or i guess underneath everything else was this deep deep deep fear. i mean, what the hell am i going to do? where am i going? i think that i made a c in chemistry which may very well mean the end of my dreams for columbia or NYU or anything even remotely prestigious. and now i'm leaving everything i've known for like the past five years (cause rchs was basically a continuation of exploris to me) and i'm embarking on this huge journey that may very well take me to the depths of hell and spit me out, broken, trembling and alone.

but of course there's the wait.

i have a whole summer ahead of me and there's lots of band stuff to do and i have to do some volunteer work, but it's really just waiting. i've never really felt the desire to have a social life during summer. i've always been content to sit in the darkness of my room wearing clothes many days old and searching for anything at all to watch on tv. but now that i do want to do shit i'm finding it hard to make that shit happen. my parents are so used to me just lying around the house in the summer that they've worked their schedules without me and any possible rides to houses in mind. and on top of that i don't know how to make any of that stuff happen. i mean i'm supposed to have a birthday party cause i'm gonna be all sixteen and stuff and i don't know how to do that. i mean my house sucks for parties, theres' just no space to move around. even like a relaxed sit down thingy would be difficult.

oh jesus i'm so scared, like i'm too scared to do anything. i can't write (even making this entry is kind of hard) and i can barely talk to people, all i can do is sit in my room and play "no surprises" over and over again because its the first song i ever taught myself all by myself and it's freakin awesome.

but still i'm very happy. because it really is summer after all, and for a while i'm going to be free of a lot of bull. and maybe things will be good, and i'll be able to trust that more and i'll start writing and i'll buy a lot of books and read them over the summer so i can feel smarter when i get to ncssm. and i'll get shows for my band that'll be in like really shitty places but still manage to go well so that twenty years from now we can bullshit about how we payed our dues.

you know, in the past couple of months i've felt this total lack of desire to strictly adhere to any moral code. i mean i've done certain things i fear repeating and i've talked about people behind their backs and lied to people that i like and kept bad bad secrets and pretended to be different people for different crowds at the expence of my own personality. and i've forced myself to become removed from all of that. and then one day in the past few months it hit me that i've lost a lot of my integrity and that i'm no longer the person i was, which may or may not be a good thing.

later that night she rang him up and told him that he was the devil and a liar and a bastard redheaded baby. but he wasn't home and he wasn't interested and she hadn't waited because she started and couldn't stop but was done before the beep. god damn it. she knew she'd never say those words again. so she picked up the phone and threw it against the wall and it didn't break but lay on the floor with a satisfying plea ringing from it's unhung mouth. she had been hoping for sparks but that was enough.

i wish i was the kind of person that just called people, at any time for any reason. and i wish i was the kind of person that could hold a conversation without feeling akward and afraid of saying something unfunny or untrue. that'd be cool.

i think that if i lost some weight and grew a spine i could actually be pretty cool. that'd be awesome you know. i'd be the me that i sometimes see when i close my eyes and that i sometimes become when i find myself not on the defensive. i don't know why but i act like one of those littly abused shrimp children who fear a stinging hand from every movement.

lately emma an i have been spending an hour or so each night just straight out bitching. that's been kind of cool.

i saw shrek 2. that was a pretty fucked up movie.

i think that's it.

i'll post more.

nite.

i did a little excercise today. i tried my best to walk most of the day with out hunching over and glaring/laughing at some invisible thing in the distance. i have to admit it felt pretty good. it made me feel secure and almost confident. i mean, i felt as self conscious as ever, but it is cool being tall and stuff. i think the most important thing though was that it made me forget about myself from moment to moment. generally when i'm curled into myself as i usually am i'm focusing on one glaring imperfection or another trying my best to scratch it away...

i have a little under two weeks before summer, which means that i have a little under two weeks to say good bye to the people i'm most likely not to stay in touch with over the summer or next year. i'm not ready for this i don't think. i really don't.

i can't wait to start writing again. there's a song called sunrise over the breezy faulklands that i think tre wants to do stuff with. but aside from that i want to get back into doing real poetry, and maybe read my little book of short storied before starting that up again.

i've been thinking about my future and it's kind of troubling. my mom wants me to be rich. she doesn't really care if i'm happy or successful as long as i'm rich, because money does buy happiness, it's just that the nameless people who coin popular phrases are often very poor and bitter. i'm serious though, she has said this over and over again and there is no inference necessary.

but i don't think i'm gonna be rich. i think i'm gonna get a degree in english and teach high school for a while and then get a PhD while i'm nice and young so i can teach college. hopefully i'll be able to do some music stuff too. who knows, maybe it'll still be me and eric and tre and the gang in 20 years. the thing is though, i don't have any other skills in any fields that are safe bets for my ending up making a good upper class or even upper-middle class income. sorry to say it, but i think i'll always be a poor lil nigga i shall.

i mean the five or six highest paying jobs for people just out of college in the last to years all had the word engineer somewhere in their titles. i honestly think that if i buckled down and sat through a bunch of stupid robotics and computer and extra math courses and then went and got some monotnous job for fucking 50,000 a year i'd spend the rest of my life hating myself and hating everyone i love for making feel that i had to do that to support them. but i think that makes me a very selfish selfish person. and i don't think i care as much as i should. am i willing to sacrifice the level of happiness of others (whether they currently exist or not) for my own? yes. yes i am. i'm selfish and lazy and i'm a bad person.

i hadn't intended to write about that, but i think that's what i've been wanting to get off my chest, so there ya go.

i'm sleepy.

so i won second place in the squonk poetry contest, and my story sucked. i don't know why i had been so enthused about it before. i mean the ending is kind of cool but the rest of it is horrible. the other two winners were great though, especially kendra's. i think i might go out on a quest to go out and write a really good like tw or three page short story instead of those stupid single paragraph thingies i do.

eh whatever. i really haven't been in the mood for blogging lately.

ever been at the beach and walk into the water?

a layer of the salty wetness comes rushing underneath your feet and it makes you feel like you're walking at hundreds of miles per hour. the mother sea that so vast and unbearably old taking you into her arms, all cold and empty and the prettiest shade of blue. ever stang there knee deep or so and try to think about something deep but just get caught up in the fact that the sun is right behind you and your family is right behind you and there's a nother family to the right filled with people a lot hotter than you and the sun...jesus christ the sun.

it was a nice day.

well yeah, i finally figured out "upside down and special", and i mean all of it. i'm very pleased. but i'm worried about the band. i REALLY want to put out something before the end of the year. i mean, words cannot tell, i'm gonna be gone next year and won't be able to see anyone's reaction. oh well, maybe we can get it done. screw re-doing the drums live, record sean's bass, my vocals and put it the fuck out...or not.

so, i have the AP gopo test on wednesday and i'm not very worried. i've gotten 5's on all of my practice test and i feel pretty strong on it, i just have to read up on the more detailed stuff like court cases and a few laws from the past 50 years.

you know what i haven't done in a while?

lying engulfed in the smell of my own filth, it was a sunday morning with no surprises planned for me or anyone else. i turned on the tv and it was my birthday, not a surprise just something to remember. someone had bought me a cake and must have wanted to make a big ho hum but my room was quiet and dark and the cake was on top of my tv looking like it had been given up on. i felt like i was somehow being selfish and i hate that feeling cause it's a stupid feeling and i'm not a stupid person. it was a sunday morning and for once i had fallen asleep with the lights off. you know i did that thing everyday for a week (the thing people giggle about when they hear the word "masticate"). i felt bad about that, i considered doing it right then but i had too much self respect. MTV came dancing on the screen with it's little sparklers and sexy youthful appeal. there was that song by that band where every other word was "c'mon c'mon", i ate my cake and watched it and sort of liked it but didn't really. it was 10:30 am. if my parents could sleep for 30 more minutes then i'd get out of church. the minutes crept by and i ate my cake and i had it too. don't think i was sad, i wasn't even bored. just climbing through the day. i masticated and i took a 23 second nap and masticated some more. when 11 arrived i was very happy because the snoring up the stairs continued, but then i wasn't so happy because i somehow knew it was no longer my birthday, and i felt sort of guilty. i hate that feeling.

my stories used to have such cool endings. i guess i'm excercising the mundane.

mmm hot dogs.

:(

well, i'm back. my computer had viruses and spyware coming out of its ass and we had to take it in. 399 beautiful MP3s gone. on top of that, i have to reload every single program that i have ever had/plan to use again.

still, my priority is the music right now. i think i'll try to be more legit im by aquisitions from now on. no more Kazaa.

ok, i'm off to the beach. don't worry though, still brimming with angst and faux creativity. woot.