LET US PLAY A GAME SHALL WE?

i am not ever felled by the secret trappings of a crush or two.
i am never hurt.
i am beautiful inside and out.
i am perfectly self aware.
i however, do not realize how stupid you must think i am.
that is entirely a mask made to protect me from whatever.
i will be loved one day.
someone cares.

find the lies my duckies!

i think i'm off.

"upside down and special"

she used do pot
in the 80s
and now thats just a blur,
all heavy metal music
and a hiked up spandex skirt.

i said baby whats a mistake between two friends?
and she said baby youll never know.

the last time we talked she was waiting for a ride,
and he squealed to a stop with an ambiguous smile
and when she dived into that little white sedan she said baby lets go.

i tend to push people away from me.

she thinks about the eighties
when she used to know a guy.
he always had a dollar and a sky-blue-dollar tie.
she thinks about the eighties
when a rockstar was a rockstar.
and all she had to do was squeeze or stretch to fit the time.

the last time we talked she was waiting for a ride,
he squealed to a stop with an ambiguous smile
and when she dived into that little white sedan she said baby lets go.

i tend to push people away from me.

i used to have friends but i don’t know what happens.
i guess i push people away from me.

just got back from prom. lot's of trouble before it but then everything was great.

hanging out with people i barely know was great.
just standing in the background quietly and sulking for random reasons was great.
watching people be in love was great (ok insanely depressing, but great in it's own way).
dancing was great, especially when youre on tha floor for like an hour and you don't care how stupid you look.
being dressed in super awesome clothes (all black suit+dark red tie+white driver's cap of evan's) was GREAT.
being with people was great.
being alone was great.

other stuff was great that a lot of people wouldn't see as being too positive so i won't mention.

it was a great night. i wish that i wasn't home.

now for ncssm shit tomorrow. i have to be up in six hours and go take tests i only barely reviewed for. and dear god i'm gonna have to wake up at like 5 and do the dishes.

my throat hurts. and i'm having trouble smiling in any way that's not really fake.

nothing helps you realize how lonely you are when you're surrounded by lovers.

and hey, i just used the word "lovers".
color-me-pretentious.

hmm. it seems that i now have an all new "gmail" account.

robert.guarantee@gmail.com

well, ring me up.

upside down and special.

she used do pot in the 80s and now thats just a Technicolor blur, all heavy metal music and a hiked up spandex skirt. I said baby whats a little mistake between friends? and she said baby i swear youll never know. its not that her memory was bad but she just wasnt that kind of girl.

the last time we talked she was waiting for someone to come and pick her up between one street and the next, and when he did she dived into that white sedan and said baby lets go. then she was gone before i could care.

he used to do work in this shop in new york til the sunday that somebody died out back. they say that girl was shot in the head but he was sure that he had torn up her heart. and with his tiny hands he knew. he left town just in case, and as a favor to me he picked up some girl who lived the 80s on his way.

the last time we talked was over the phone. I was trying to get a ride out west to see the grand canyon but the man was never one for adventure and I needed someone who could commit.

i used to have friends and I dont know what happened. i tend to push people away from me.

that's supposed to be a song up there. a song that is beginning to haunt (as far as my utter failure in being able to write good lyrics to it.) this is just an idea.

eric, as far as the album goes. i was just saying cds and their cases along with paper and ink and crap ain't free it ain't.

night kiddies.

in maryland currently on my cousin's computer.

i had a revalation about a certain set of troublesome lyrics. i went to an admittedly awesome though migraine inducing museum. umm, i should be next on the next sunday not-so-bloody sunday. pam sorry about the prom tickets, i'll definitely have the cash umm...expediantly.

so...ok.

miss me?

good.

I GOT INTO NCSSM AND I'M GOING.

not that i'm mad or terribly excited, just wanted to make the point clear.

so here's why:

1. courses offered include:
Music Composition, Arranging, and Theory
Advanced Music Composition and Theory
Principles of Recording Technology
Advanced Recording Technology
Digital Editing and Mastering
Jazz Ensemble
Classical Piano and Guitar
Fiction Writing: The art of the short story
Intensive Writing Workshop
20th Century Philosophy
Introductory Film Crituiqing

2. my parents want me to go

3. i get to live on campus

4. i get to not live at home

5. i get a laptop

6. i get a cell phone

7. i get automatically accepted into any branch of unc i want and the state'll pay for my tuition and board and stuff.

8. even if i don't go to unc, colleges will probably be more likely to accept me.

9. it sounds like fun sorta.

REASONS NOT TO GO.

1. god damn it i have to leave my friends. i've known some of you guys for like five years and the thought is really depressing.
2. my fucking band.
3. rchs is just as good a school it just doesn't have as many courses in the stuff i'm really interested in. still i doubt the teachers will be half as amazing as they are here.
4. god damn it i have to leave my friends.
5. i know i'll get home sick.
6. the course load requires a lot of work. that goes beyond "fun and challenging" and into "mind breakingly challenging".
7. chances are i'm gonna be surrounded by a bunch of uber pretentious fucks, constantly searching for some sort of validation by spouting off about a bunch of theories i really don't care about.
8. i have to take chemistry again and now i have to take physics which i was planning to avoid completely.
9. i have to take more biology, not that i didn't like it before.
10. god damn it i have to leave my friends.

wow, the bad outsweighs the good and i'm still going.

i guess reason i'm going #10 is that i'm a fucking masochist.

“jesus died a long time ago”

true love died in a haunted alley.
happiness died on a perfect high.
sympathy sent me a get well card
died with her babes by her bloody side.

nice died alone last sunday.
pretty died begging for her wicked life.
all of my passions died sitting in chairs
with their faces cut into shiny smiles.

its not funny and ill laugh cause im an asshole
jesus died a long time ago.

true love died cause I broke her heart.

its not funny but ill laugh cause im an asshole
and jesus died a long time ago.

- the aformentioned song, the chords are really beautiful.

btw.
oh my fucking god. i got into ncssm.

ugh. i wrote a song and i like it. damn it i really really like it. so tomorrow, inevitably, up with the self-loathing/bitterness/boo to tha hiss. why can't these moments never end?

/whininess.

school is upon me. i get the feeling that the next six weeks shall be intense. sure ap exams mean that GoPo and Music Theory will be effectively over, but i still have all the hell that mrs. newmark and ms. bucheit are gonna squeeze in before the end. on top of that, if i plan to make it out this year with an a in latin i have to be damn near perfect on all future tests, which means relearning a whole bunch of stuff i never got in the first place. i have a paper in english on a book i haven't read coming up. chemistry should be ok if this time around i keep up with my HW. algebra II...is stupid.

my throat is sore, my head is achey, i itch all over, my nose is effectively useless.

hello allergy season, long time no fucking see.

this whole line is a link to a bunch of mp3s by a band called leisure.
there are only 3 and it's all that they have recorded.
excellent stuff.

driver's ed was interesting today. well interesting=annoying for the first ten minutes where i was sucking at city-driving, then cool for the first ten minutes when i was starting out on the interstate, and then insanely unimaginably and unspeakably boring for the next hour and a half of driving on the interstate in utter silence as everyone fought off sleep and my instructer occasionally murmured something about the lanes.

but it's a beautiful thing you know. i mean, i'm doing driver's ed like i'm supposed to and feeling like such a damn teenager and it kind of makes me happy. sometimes i allow myself to get caught up in it which is very anti-mature/cynical/painfully removed me and i love it. i hate my family, i hate my utter lack of money and whatever other things, but the idea of it all is sort of beautiful. this is the way things are supposed to be. i'm supposed to fight with my stepfather and hate my siblings and spend all day in my room wishing i was out with my friends and stab myself in the arm with a fork over and over again for hours while telling my tv that it's "not supposed to watch me so dirty".

you know what he says:
happiness is being numb.

Eric knows. *nudge nudge*:

The sun shines down upon the sandy beach
My friends surrounds me and its all I need
These guys and girls they open their arms; their hearts,
And open their teeth up to swallow me

It is a basket of love.

Im oh so happy and ready to go
Threw away my gun and threw away my gold
Who needs money when youve got the mold.
Being pressed into a perfect mold.

My eyes turn blue.

And Im so filled with joy something comes over me.
The sun turns black
and my buddies perfect smiles
Turn into the sharpest teeth.

And Im oh so scared
And Im crushed into the ground
And the sky is bleeding pigs blood on me.
And its a scream.

It”s a scream.
It”s a scream.
I said its a scream now!
Happy happy joy joy falls on me now!

Ive shaken out my head and my vision is sure
And now Im like my perfect friends white clean and pure
Ive got magic in me and theres a rainbow in my brain,
Its happy day at the beach with no wind and no rain.

Its a basket of love!

(the rhythm is off cause this is more of a bridge type thing).
The waves they whisper my name as they crash on the sure.
Im feeling all this love around me more and more.
Ive finally found myself in a more perfect mold.
Im feeling all this love around me more and more!

My eyes turn blue!

And Im so filled with joy something comes over me.
The sun turns black
and my buddies perfect smiles
Turn into the sharpest teeth.

And Im oh so scared
And Im crushed into the ground
And the sky is bleeding pigs blood on me.
And its a scream.

Its a scream.
Its a scream.
I said its a scream now!
Happy happy joy joy falls on me now!

- *is sickened*

so i had driver's ed today. my instructer was this tubby black guy named mr. rogers. he was about as exciting as the real mr. rogers but i mean that in a good way. even though i sucked he was really calming and very good with the confidence boosts. it was kind of exhilirating controlling all that power you know? if i had wanted to i could have plowed through a house or killed a small family. the only things standing between their utter destruction at my nearly-bare hands were my morals and mr. roger's emergency brake.

w00t!

spring break has turned out to be pretty boring. on monday i went thrifting for the prom with pam at cameron village. (the bargain box SUCKS by the way). we found her a cool dress though. god i haven't written anything all week. life has just been so empty. my hate for my step father has reached never before seen heights but i guess that's to be expected.

so damn bored. famous nudes was supposed to go recording on thursday and friday but i'm not sure if anything is still on. i haven't talked to eric or tre or angus in quite a while.

i don't even know why i'm blogging. if we don't start recording tomorrow or friday then don't expect any posts until atleast this weekend.

so i finished mah paper at about 6:30 (took a four hour sleeping break at around midnight). 5.5 pages it was, i did the bibliography at lunch. when i got home yesterday i fell asleep at about 8, it was very very nice. this is going to be one lovely spring break.

if eric gets better i think FN'll be recording on either thursday, friday, or both. so yahyahyah eric get better!

umm, i'm bored. and feeling not very creative, a fun change of pace. there was some weird thing below and i think that's the product of what happens when i try to write songs. i can sort of write melodies and i can write lyrics but i can't do the two at the same time. angus and eric can, i don't know about tre he's very melodic. but yeah, i envy that. it's a cool song though cause it's almost completely rap. it's very funny. chromaticy.

listening to joy division. they kick the ass of all. wish i could find the album "closer".

has anyone check'd out sean's blog? he's a really cool guy, and he makes these uber awesome pics. there's a link over to the side.

i hate my little "rob this is your life" posts. very sorry.

you remember that gopo paper that everyone's been buzzing about? it's 10 pm on the night before it's due and i'm just now finishing up my research. i'm thinking 2 am at best if i write a full out page every half hour. oh and guess what. i still haven't read more than...let's say 11 pages in All Quiet on the Western Front. a test on which i have tomorrow.

*vomits*

i could just forget the whole thing you know. go downstairs and do the fucking dishes and go to bed. i'd wake up and i'd go to school, maybe study a bit for my music theory test and skimming AQ on the WF. i'd just go through my day and in fifth period i simply tell mrs newmark that i don't have my paper. take my ten point penalty and turn it in the monday after next.

HAHAHAHAHAHA! yes. right.

so i'm sitting in the park, waiting for my bus and i see a rat. it's enormous, it's brown, it's back is like a huge camel hump, it's tail is more disgusting than i can say. i've never seen a rat before, and unlike most animals it comes toward me in stead of immediately scampering away. i notice that it's hind legs seem to be messed up, or atleast he's dragging himself by his front legs only. so we make our way to a little rock thing and i sit on down while he's catching his breath at the bottom. i tell him i'm sorry about his life. i tell him that i'm sorry people will hate you and everyone like you forever and ever and that someone is going to catch and kill you and that you'll die no more than a dirty stinking rat. i feel too bad to stick around so i walk off.

but i turn around and there be the rat, digging itself into the whole and probably going on to live another day. it was mildly inspiring.

met a friend.