i've been linked to by the kaye.

awesome.

so i'm looking at hannah's blog and i find a minor yet interesting scandal on "the passion of the christ".

rather than give you the low down on my religious beliefs (christian, probably agnostic but i have to look into it more to be sure), i think i wanna say this:

the idea for this is bullshit. the only way mel gibson could get any studio to do put this thing out is because they're smart enough to know that any movie about jesus, no matter how good it is will be controversial, and controversy obviously equals money. i'm sure gibson had good intentions, but from the horror stories i've been hearing about the film i know that on some level someone must have been trying to up the level of controversy this movie would bring to the table.

i honestly don't know a heck of alot about the life of christ beyond the whole "born in a manger, died on the cross stuff". i've heard theories but i never really know what to think.

still, i have all of these beliefs for reasons you probably won't understand but whatever liberties gibson wants to take with the story are fine with me. i just don't think the marketing ploys as well or much else are being done right. and anti-semitism is never a good thing. i have tons of jewish friends, and i can't picture any of them burning in hell (well, maybe one but not because he's jewish).

i'm going to see the movie, but for these reasons:

1. it's in aramaic and latin and since no one knows what roman speech sounded like, i wanna hear what they decide to do with it.
2. because no matter how much i hate the marketing tactics they're employing, it's really fucking effective.
3. i'm gonna go with danny and we haven't hung out with him in a while. plus when i first met him, i was kind of amazed at the idea of him being atheist.
4. i haven't seen a movie in a while.

ok. homework. now.

today was the kind of hell found only in the kitchen sink, fire and brimstone painted by the oils of your own family's consumption dysfunction. i could try explaining how i felt but it'd probably be better to tell you what happened and let you suss it all out for yourself.

i had slept a total of five hours last night. we were out the house by seven and had to be in durham by seven-thirty. today was the north carolina school of science and math's "discovery day". today i would meet potential future classmates, get used to the campus and environment...take some rigorous math and writing placement tests, whatever. all very relaxed it was.

well, we arrived at seven-thirty five and after registering took our seats in the auditorium where i sat behind some woman who looked exactly like karen (8th grade teacher that i'm still afraid of) and tried to keep focused on the random pain in my foot and my edgar allen poe. the program started at eight-thirty two (take note that we arrived an hour before that, panicking because we were technically five minutes late).

it was basically a question n' answer session, but i learned four very important things.

1. these people are academic nazi's. they talked about how important it was to them that they help out students falling behind, but they made sure to impress upon the everyone just what they expected. they talked about all the applicants as if everyone at that school was a former valedictorian, and made sure to warn us that even so we might still fall behind. but beyond that, they talked about their more successful students as if they were pieces of gold, if you didn't know this, apparently they will expel you if you have a failing grade in any trimester.
2. the place is like exploris for suicidal over-achievers. it just is.
3. even though i knew this before, apparently i am :below average, inadequate, and nothing special.
4. in order to succeed there, you have to be incredibly social. if you're not sure, no this does not bode well for me.

well, with my lessons learned, we walked off to a pretty average lunch in the cafeteria where my mom and i kind of fought over whether or not i'd ever get in. sometimes it's disgusting the faith she places in me (umm...in a good way).

my next happy-time activity was a math assessment. i won't go into detail because reliving it might cause me to start vomiting a whole bunch all over again. Basically i knew how to do everything but i barely finished half the test. so yeah, that was one sucky time.

after that, we went on an impossibly long campus tour. the campus itself is beautiful. the music department was like briefly walking into heaven and i found out that the next year they'd be offering courses in classical piano and guitar, which is awesome. the dorm rooms weren't horrible.

but yes, after that we had a happy happy essay to write. the prompt was something along the lines of whether or not music has the power to educate and i ended up quoting radiohead and talking about mozart's lacrymosa for a good page n' a half.

we exited the classroom, and I blindly followed the crowd into the gym while searching for my parents who had ditched me to get coffee or something. so yes, boring end speech, lots of smart-assed kids (more so than i even) looking all pleased with themselves while the stupid tubby fuck that i am went home a broken little man.

all in all, i think that it was a pretty good day.

ugh, this entire thing was supposed to be better written. i suppose i will never be a nate lumpkin or a bethany hill level/type blogger.

Transport, motorways and tramlines, starting and then stopping, taking off and landing, the emptiest of feelings, disappointed people, clinging on to bottles, and when it comes it's so, so, disappointing.

Let down and hanging around,
crushed like a bug in the ground.
Let down and hanging around.

Shell smashed, juices flowing wings twitch, legs are going, don't get sentimental, it always ends up drivel. One day, I'm gonna grow wings, a chemical reaction, hysterical and useless hysterical and

let down and hanging around,
crushed like a bug in the ground.
Let down and hanging around.

Let down,
Let down,
Let down.

You know, you know where you are with, you know where you are with, floor collapsing, falling, bouncing back and one day, I'm gonna grow wings, a chemical reaction, [You know where you are,] hysterical and useless [you know where you are,] hysterical and [you know where you are,]

let down and hanging around,
crushed like a bug in the ground.
Let down and hanging around.

- radio to tha' head

andy warhol once said he enjoyed being bored.

"converstions with people i barely know"

i suppose you might be right about angus' (hey, nice bell bottoms) cliche'd (by the by, your hair is looking really really...indy today) "punk" clothing, and his (cool shoes, where's your thrift store dude?) many other annoyingly "punk" (awesome shirt, i think david bowie's awesome too!) attitude (wait, you're into communism/socialism and you speak german? amazing!). my god he's so unoriginal (hey, what's that? you draw mildy amusing cartoons about penguins and dragons? who else would ever think to do that?).

but yeah, i really am disgusted by that angus diego.



*LOVE*

the pixies have an official site, i'm now updating links. YAY. i might also ad a few blogs in there.

e. e. cummings - kumrads die because they're told)

kumrads die because they're told)
kumrads die before they're old
(kumrads aren't afraid to die
kumrads don't
and kumrads won't
believe in life)and death knows whie

(all good kumrads you can tell
by their altruistic smell
moscow pipes good kumrads dance)
kumrads enjoy
s.freud knows whoy
the hope that you may mess your pance

every kumrad is a bit
of quite unmitigated hate
(travelling in a futile groove
god knows why)
and so do i
(because they are afraid to love


i haven't written anything just for me in quite a while. i think i'm gonna try, see how i've changed. i know it's silly, but it's true.

and as always, cummings is the man.

(oh, and parker's posies isn't really supposed to be good. just for the record.)

it has been a bit.

so what's happened? let us pretend you care:

i feel really strong as of late. i've been more focused, actually doing my homework, making up for the last six weeks really. life has become a game to me everyone's a piece in the puzzle, and i wouldn't say that i'm controlling them, but i have been very careful as to craft certain images for myself. like costumes, i am in one big costume party and all is well.

writing has become lots of fun and a ton easier. making good poetry isn't difficult if you can take the time to step back from it. i'm currently writing a song about parker posey's movie career (i'll post it later). i'm also "conceptualizing" a two or three line poem in an attempt to use the words "darkness", "blood", and/or "soul" without having a single cliche.

singing has also been better. it turns out that i may not be a vocal god, but i'm certainly a lot better when i'm not fucking about, wishing i was thom yorke.

everyone in my band has been working their ass off for open mic night. we're not taking it that seriously, but i think we've just realized that we've never played a single song all the way through together (i'm pretty sure). we tend to just sit around and float on clouds of ideas.

i've felt a bit isolated as well, not lonely, because it doesn't bother me and that word typically indicates a problem of sorts. it's just come to my attention that i can't really talk to anyone i know about anything substantial. i have really amazing friends, but i can't really trust a lot of them, or i know that they don't feel like listening to my insignificant little problems, or i really just don't need to scare them away right now. i know, oh yes i know. we're all alone. and come to think of it, this fact is probably true for most of the people who read this blog. all alone and worried and messed up in just the tiniest and cutest little ways. but afraid to let it go. we are all very much a like. still, i hope you're all a bit less melodramatic.

(everyone is afraid?)

i've recently come to find that i sit in the very front row of nearly every one of my classes. do my teachers fear what secret things i may be doing in the back of their classrooms? hehe. i've always been such a teacher's pet, i like my faux badass status.

oh, amusingly enough i've resolved to lose weight. unlike any other time though, i have an incentive even better than pure self-loathing. it's a wonderful thing called lust (mixed in with just a bit of ego-mania). i'd explain, but it's one of those things i have to say aloud so that i don't edit my self too much. it's rather amusing though.

i was sure i would have more to say. i've had some fun inner turmoil over the past week or so, but i can't remember what about...so yeah.

ween is an awesome band. so is radiohead (thanks much to eric, i finally got ok computer).

ok then. g'night.

Clockwatchers in the top of the tower,
we are always the best in show.
We are the Doom Generation.
We know that first love, (the) fatal love.

First love, fatal love.

Parker’s Posies
Parker’s Posies

We kiss the daytrippers by Sunday’s show.
Drag us screaming to the House of Yes.
We make the flirt step on her greasy toe.
And take her out to have Dinner at Fred’s.

This first love, (this) fatal love.

Parker’s Posies
Parker’s Posies
Parker’s Posies

- every line contains the title of one of parker posey's films.
Don't ask me why, i've never even seen one of her films.
there is music written for this song (well, this song has been written for music) and i don't even know if it fits. eh well.

The Angus

recently posted something in his blog that's pretty much made my respect for him grow by insane amounts in just the past two or three minutes. i'll admit i never really loved his music, but i think that's because i have really different taste more than anything else. (i.e. he's pretty much the only guy at our school with the balls to admit to liking emo (which i hate! (cool, a parinthesis within a parenthisis (within a parinthensis)))).

so yes...um..."props". (*hits chest with right hand then makes peace sign*)

i'm just sayin'.

now this is arrogance.

i don't know why i'm posting at 5 am. but if i told you whiy i woke up twenty minutes ago to clean my kitchen, you could probably figure it out.

go check out the FAMOUS NUDES site.

it is my band. it is good.
eric, if you see this, definitley check it out.
you will be happy.

other stuff has happened. i promise to put one super post up this weekend. just...so...busy...

i've been mentally writing out a really long post on race and i'm afraid to get started because that's one of the few subjects in my life that has some stuff that my friends really really don't know about me. anyway, it's a hard topic for me to talk about, let alone preach about and in the end, i don't (consciously) care all that much.

i've also been mentally writing out a post on how much my dad is an ass. sometimes i think i hurt his feelings, but i don't think i care...well, i feel badly, but it think it may be more about the fact that i don't care than the fact that i hurt his feelings. then again i think i really do care and all that might just may be me trying to convince myself that i'm a bad person...

thank god i have time for neither (head in ground).

"i feel like a koala krapped a rainbow in my brain!"

and to aaaaaaaaaaaaaall a good nite. (yeah i know how to spell night.)

so now the damn thing is all attached to me. i can't do shit without it howling and whimpering and being all cute n' crap.

you know, we're genetically engineered to find all babies to be cute, it's a mechanism that keeps us from killing our own baby and ends up keeping us from killing any other species of baby.

umm, other things have been happening but "sputnick" has become the center of my dull and normally self-obsessed universe.

my stupid step father bought a god damn puppy. i spent ages 4 to 11 begging for some pet larger than a fish (none of who'm ever lived more than a week). now for no reason he's bought a god damn puppy.

"yay, i bought her for everybody to play with. yay! (robert you'll be in charge of her)". he promptly walks off.

fuck.

oh, and through a very stupid series of events i've fucked up the pipes beneath the kitchen sink. mother is so disappointed. father thinks i'm a screw up.

oh yes i am a screw up.

on a lighter note, my brother is horribly afraid of all animals. his shrill and high-pitched screams of terror are currently ringing through the halls. my step daddy is pretty close to calling him a pussy.

i'm such a damn cry baby.

:-)

bunnies in the mud and silence in the skies, is being rescheduled.

quite annoying considering right after i went around telling a bunch of people that, i found out that maybe twice as many people as i had originally thought were planning to perform.

so yeah, i've said it once, i'll say it again...

GOD FUCKING DAMN IT.

(i luv this color)

umm...i figured i should post before i fall back out of the habit. ok. i'm finally doing my bunnies in the mud thing on friday. i have a couple of people coming and about four people performing stuff. but that's ok, at worst we'll just hang out and eat cookies. maybe read stories, play a few songs.

evan cancelled on me for some reason, and i think at a certain point he was doing it just to be a bastard. surprisingly enough i really don't care. i mean, if he really just doesn't want to do it, but if there's some randomly wacky alterior motive then i suppose that's ok as well.

the past two days have had me feeling strangley uncompfy. i keep imagining these increbly lond needles being driven through my hands, i swear i see them everytime i close my eyes. i come really close to actually feling the pain. it's eery. but yeah, i've been feeling more and more awkward.

danny kut off all has hair. *screams* but it looks relatively cool (i still miss my dirty lil hippy).

i've been trying to get into the habit of doing my homework (or atleast starting) before 8. horribly horrible failure, that one. aside from that though, all is pretty much right with the world.

this city will not sleep
shattered lillies curse and spit
no one hears
no one cares

buckled buckled buckled bridges
this city will not take us anywhere,
and nobody moves
no one shares

from a window i see electric dogs
but i am blinded by a knife
and it was never there.

that's a pretty interesting song.

you know, i should make more insightful posts more often. i find that lately i've been having less and less of those epiphany thingies. could this mean that i've cozied into some sort of set set of beliefs? jesus i hope not. i have too many questions still, far too innocent a view on the world. even i can see that for all my ironicleness i'm just a child.

that being said, i think their should be an episode of leave it to beaver about masturbating. it can start off with pop buying him a magic kit so that

a. there can be an assload of "wand" references.
b. when he goes to the bathroom and realizes that he's not peeing, his mom can be like:

"beaver what are you struggling with in there?"

and he'll go:
"ooh mommy, it's something magical!!".

anyway, in the end his mom'll catch him wacking off to one of his dad's playboys or maybe an episode of mary tyler moore (hey, she was frickin' hott).

the next day she'll sit him down, carefully avoiding his hands, and calmly explain to him the perils of excessive masturbation (i.e. hairy palms, blindness). then later as she's doing the laundry she'll pull out one of his sheets, hold it up to the light and see a huge stain. mother places hands on hips, chuckles and goes "oh, beaver" followed by a well placed laugh track.

umm...tune in next week when greg and a bunch of his friends gang rape marsha. hilarity ensues when that cute little cindy watches. "mommy, i'm telling you, they were doing things in the place where marsha's poopies come out!" "oh now cindy" (*laugh track*).

i scare myself.

eric has a blog!
eric has a blog!
eric has a blog!
eric has a blog!
eric has a blog!
eric has a blog!
eric has a blog!
eric has a blog!
eric has a blog!
eric has a blog!
eric has a blog!

bitchin?
bitch on!

all night band practice last night. we got quite a bit done, i finally began to put down some vocals and came to the realization that i have a very mediocre voice.

well...in all honesty i think i have a really bad voice. i happen to know the theory behind singing really really really well and i have an assload of experience, which makes me sound pretty good. but the actual pure sound of my voice is over all pretty bad.

but yes, we laid down some vocals, spiced up a really cool song that eric had been working on ("F. Scott Fitzgerald and His Pissant Friends"), and listened to tre's STUNNING new version of "stephanie from detroit". i also got eric to help me work aout some chords for guenevere, which turned out pretty amazing considering how quickly we figured them out. the lyrics are a lot better now, and i'll probably post them later.

around 11:45 we headed over to the rocky horror picture show which was amazing. i had only been once before but i was too nervous to notice how cool everyone there is. i felt incredibly under-dressed though.

i was supposed to go over to evan or danny's house to help them set up for

bunnies in the mud and silence in the skies, feb. 13
(hung up some flyers yesterday, woo!).

but sadly i cannot, my mom's all uber sick and my step dad's out of the town, so i have to keep the orcs at bay.

hey did i mention that

bunnies in the mud and silence in the skies, feb. 13
(you better come you sons de bitches!).

you know, there is some terrible grammar in places on my blog. :(

have a happy happy day. (emma, stop being all sad n' crap).

"so this guy walks into a bar and-ow-". Frederick Johnson

bunnies in the mud and silence in the skies comes feb. 13
(dr. h signed off on it, woo!).

my mom found my blog. *shudder*

somehow i doubt this will change the way i write, not that i don't care. in fact i am many negative emotions and states of beings.

g'bye me' love.

oh my god this is the funniest thing i have ever seen.

preview:


I GRABBED THE HOOKER BY HER HAIR
Angry "clamping" of fist followed by three or four violent shakes.

that's enough for now. hehehehehe....HAHAHA...

I found this in the sent messages folder of my email account. it's something that i was emailing nate in response to an old post of his. i don't think it ever went through, but it's kind of interesting--

In a would-be spontaneous response to your blog entry from friday:

The things I have come to believe.

Every single one of us goes out there making some attempt to better ourselves, even if the attempt is as pitiful as sitting somewhere quietly hoping that we are more than what we seem. The idea of love and friendship is an extension of this, because if you drop all the formalities and pretenses that we like to dress them up with, it may be physical, but the truer type of love is all about making yourself better, just for knowing it.

But you never win. Isn’t there something romantic and grandiose about fighting the battle you know you’ll lose? Waging a war that stands upon some kind of bravery that in the end will never have gotten you anywhere. Somewhere exists a pinnacle of creation reached by an infinite number of years; evolution I guess. And the process is so ridiculously larger than you, so basic and barbaric in its charming way that it belittles the very idea of humanity just by being there.

So we walk; clumsy, dirty, doomed little creatures filled with arrogance and delusions of grandeur. We walk like we’re not headed for the jaws of hell, tall black gates in the distance with a swirling vortex mouth and those eyes reminiscent of the ones you always feared. Those glowing red eyes with the menacing and ravenous arcs that you worry may live just outside your window in the night, watching you sleep. You walk towards it, pretending to look for an out, for “enlightenment”, but secretly rejoicing over your fate. It gives you purpose.

Or maybe not.

Fun stuff.

i recently added a link to evan's blog as promised. in order to read it you have to register with blurty and then sign him on as one of your friends. then you have to tell him so that you can be signed on as one of his friends and able to see the blog. umm, don't assume he'll automatically sign you up, evan i love you but you can be a bit moody. also, before you can sign anyone on as a friend you have to wait for email verification and it took them a while to send me mine. also, there are parts of it you may not be able to see since he can decide who can read what posts. it's an interesting read though.

i have found that all blogs seem to invariably go down one of two roads. They either become wrapped completely around the author's pathetic, weasely little life or are turned into preachy documentations of someone's moral bs that you can just smell they don't live by.

of course no blog is purely one or the other. certain blogs seem to be neither, though they tend to fit atleast one of the profiles from time to time if you look close enough (and see just what you want to see).

i suppose that mine falls in the former of the two, except for this post of course. both forms can be wonderful, beneficial to the world, imparting wisdom or the immeasurable value of another human's experience.

but this is all just theory. in practice all blogs are a bunch of people pretending that anything about them matters to anyone else. i'm sure there are celebrity bloggers and political bloggers that hold some level of importance to someone else's live. and the things i find from the blogs of people i know matter to me on some level, without question. i say that all bloggers pretend to matter to someone else, because i don't believe anyone with the mental capacity to understand the concept of a grander scheme than their own could be so incredibly arrogant as to think that they're relevant.

and most blogs are stupid and pointless anyway, never worth the time.

i keep blogging because the concept of it just doesn't make sense to me and it's rare that i can be so wonderfully self-absorbed without feeling guilty. i read blogs because up until now i've always feared that i lived in a land of robots with fleshy faces and synthetic smiles. (this is pre-matrix by the way.) i was always afraid of waking up and all of a sudden my mother didn't exist, my friends didn't exist, and i barely exist.

now i get to have a glimpse, see the peril of all my allies against life. i was always sure that everyone else had problems. but now i know.

"but if your life is such a big joke,
then why should i care."

in other news, i came to a realization today. i'm an ass to evan. i consider him to be one of my bestest friends but i'm a complete ass to him. part of it is this bit of a game that we've been playing over the years, that involves really really heavily disguised insults and rudeness. but sometimes i'm just an ass to him and i don't know why. i think i might be trying getting him back for something but i don't know what, and if i am i SUCK at revenge. maybe it's just more of the game and i just can't see my self playing it.

"I Am Trying To Break Your Heart"

I am an American aquarium drinker
I assassin down the avenue
I'm hiding out in the big city blinking
What was I thinking when I let go of you?

Let's forget about the tongue-tied lightning
Let's undress just like cross-eyed strangers
This is not a joke, so please stop smiling
What was I thinking when I said it didn't hurt?

I want to glide through those brown eyes dreaming
Take it from the inside, baby hold on tight
You were so right when you said that I've been drinking
What was I thinking when we said good night?

I want to hold you in the Bible-black predawn
You're quite a quiet domino, bury me now
Take off your Band-Aid because I don't believe in touchdowns
What was I thinking when I said hello?

I'd always thought that if I held you tightly
You'd always love me like you did back then
Then I fell asleep and the city kept blinking
What was I thinking when I let you back in?

I am trying to break your heart
I am trying to break your heart
But still I'd be lying if I said it wasn't easy
I am trying to break your heart

Disposable Dixie-cup drinking
I assassin down the avenue
I'm hiding out in the big city blinking
What was I thinking when I let go of you?

loves you
I'm the man who loves you

all alone.

urgent news my people urgent things bits of information scratching at the back of my skull peope but i fear if i start talking now than other worse things will happen that will pull us apart and ring us like bells urgency tongues and puffy eyed bitching i wish you the very best keep pissing blood and wear the green vest that we made you for christmas happy with new years and kings maladjustments and other pretentious prattle pissing blood all over the floor with top-rated dnoopies shifting through your trash we are only vehicles for change not the problem not the answer we are dust in the bottom of barrels and on the tops of shelves urgent news if you didn't already know but i have said too much and i have said too much and i have said too much and they know they're knocking down my door with rubber-wood planks and they know look what trouble you've gotten in to me they have machines that will suck and reform my soul urgent urgent uuuurrrrggggggeeeeennnntttt news they are pounding they are splitting hairs and now they are stomping and cracking and laughing like ducks the door gives way and a hand clad in rubber is in through the gap grabbing for air and scaring me shitless urgent news don't read on i think it's going to be blood there are more cracks and bloody footsteps death walking invisble up to me and laughing scoping me out but urgent new their is urgent news look what trouble the foot steps are replaced by feet they are here they are in everyone is in the know they are here they stomp ominously up the stairs falls of feet sounding echoes in a house too small to echoe they fix my brother fix my sister fix my mother fix my father and come down through the hallway through the kitchen past the open door where i am waiting cold and tired hungry and sick singing urgent news urgent news urgent news...

here they come.