my step dad just yelled at/threatened me for not being assertive enough. because it's important that i tell someone who is obviously about to move to move rather than just wait, that's why. oh so very important. he yelled in my face for like five minutes then told me to get out of his sight, so i went to my room and just simmered until he went away. of course he barged in my room and yelled somemore, then my grandma asked me why i couldn't just be a good person (yes those were her words), my aunt started defending my dad, and they all spent the next few minutes laughing about it. i thought it was funny.

anyway:
it's tired
it's cliched
it's assumed
it's boring
it's timeless

but i hate them
i hate them all.

yes hate is too strong a word, i'm happy i can't write when i'm angry. i don't express those emotions well. i think i'm afraid to, or it's just easier not to. i'm such a wuss.

here are yet another set of lyrics:

"Sometimes"

Close my eyes
Feel me now
I don't know how you could not love me now
You will know, with her feet down to the ground
Over there, and I want true love to grow
You can't hide, oh no, from the way I feel

Turn my head
Into sound
I don't know when I lay down on the ground
You will find the __ __ hurts to love
Never cared, and the world turned hearts to love
We will see, oh now, in a day or two
You will wait
See me go
I don't care, when you're head turned __ _ __
You will wait, when I turn my eyes around
Overhead when I hold you next to me
Overhead, to know the way I see

Close my eyes
Feel me now
I don't know, maybe you could not hurt me now
Here alone, when I feel down too
Over there, when I await true love for you
You can hide, oh now, the way I do
You can see, oh now, oh the way I do

- My Bloody Valentine

i'm at the library checking out le miz so that i can get through 200 pages of it today. i'm such an incredibly slow reader, i don't know how i'm going to accomplish this and the rest of my homework.

"where there's a will there's a way"? i used to believe that. but now, i hate to sound so cliched and pessimistic, but i can't help thinking that sometimes, if you stare the devil in the eyes, he's gonna get the last laugh. an impossible war against in unending void. infinity is hard enough to overcome, but damn it, two of them!?!

oh well, i don't know who said it but it goes something like: "when trapped between an immovable object and an irresistible force: get the hell out of the way."

i realize that this little meditation has no longer anything to do with homework.

that is all.

"Precipitate"

Good bad, Saturn makes your mind break in pieces
Good bad, so you cannot find the dimensions
and it will be around these spots that I've given to you
you will know that you'll greet my vapours every time that you pass through this room
pass through this room
walk through my gloom

Daphne you find me

Daphne, when you find me let the blood drive and come alive with me Daphne, symmetry you can't help but admire or rejoice from this
sister be bad, Saturn makes your mind break in pieces

Good bad, so you cannot find the conventions
it will be around these spots that I've given to you
you will know that you'll greet my vapours every time that you pass through this room
pass through this room
walk through my gloom

Daphne you find me

Daphne you find me to put you were inside you fight for my memory Daphne symmetry you can't help but admire or rejoice for this, seems to be
Daphne come as on display will you find a way to draw the curtains of damp around your blushing ambition

blushing ambition...

I found you inside my mind
I lost you inside my mind
I found you inside my mind
I lost you inside my mind

I was a child I was a vice a coyote, conditions occasions facts
I was a child I was a vice a coyote, conditions occasions facts

erase them all perhaps
erase them all
erase them all perhaps
my own thing, my own thing

now you're all that I have here
now we can't remember
but you could fall back on lust when you've learnt to wait
they can be like the friends and neighbours you will get to appreciate them

I have inside me some strange glow
still enjoying this that's why I made a mess
still enjoying this that's why I made a mess
that's why I made a mess

- interpol

i was supposed to meet a bunch of friends at a movie today. being the stupid little shithead that i am i went to the wrong theatre. by the time i realized my mistake, my ride was driving off.

i'm all pissy now because i was really looking forward to it. i haven't realized until now just how lonely i've felt lately. i miss my friends, i can't understand why i'm feeling so removed from everything but, as usual it's probably my fault that i feel this way more than anyone else's. i still don't know how to fix it or anything else.

i should go do my homework now, tomorrow i have to read 200 pages of le miz.

i need...

huh.

that is all.

wanna see the latest incarnation of the golden poem? (you know i'm changing the title to that, i can barely remember the current one.)

ok.
stop begging.
it's embarrasing.

"Metamorphosis in Summer”

The sun will ruin my color
and remake me in gold.
The sharp-toothed emptiness of color
will fill me up.
After that:

I may find a son of god
reaching for my eyes.
Clouds might bathe me in waves
of bleeding stars,
drafts crashing into
me as I fall upon a spike of sound.
I might suffocate and choke on air.

I will be standing and waiting
for a mighty noise that jumps like silver,
and toys that bust
inside planes and airbags,
I will sing to the moon.
And I swear

I will be just a moment away from wings.
When I am golden.
Golden.

i'm gonna go see a movie with some buddies tomorrow, hopefully i won't be stood up. they don't know that i know; all my social interactions are simply games fabricated for their amusement. but i know alright. oh i know alright. and so help me god i'll make them all suffer. yes.

in other less creepy news, my latin teacher can be really really scary. there's this thing where the really good students get to take latin 1 and latin 2 in the same year, but i don't know if he's gonna let me. i'm kind of borderline, and he's not exactly what you'd call...forgiving.

pride
you have nothing to be ashamed of. i see you as you are and there is nothing to be ashamed of. i have been convinced that beauty can spark from the tiniest bit of warmth in even the most tattered and damaged souls. because it's the beatiful shiny black souls with the cold metal sides that you can't help but run your hands across. those are the ugly ones, you would see it if you just stopped looking with your toes, because journies, even the self-discovery kind are not always for the best, and you are simply far too much of a romantic to understand that. but you can see your toes sometimes heading for the black top, even when mother is calling you back. so don't envy the black, you just can't see their ugliness, being as blind to it as you are to your own beauty. but i see you, and even as you strike me down i am convinced that you have nothig to be ashamed of; and you have only a few things to regret.

i fear people don't quite understand me, or maybe that they understand me a bit too well.

that is all. (should i stop ending posts like this?)

1. God

a. A being conceived as the perfect, omnipotent, omniscient originator and ruler of the universe, the principal object of faith and worship in monotheistic religions.

b. The force, effect, or a manifestation or aspect of this being.

something about that gets me.

today was sickeningly unevental, i talked to the poetry queen for a few minutes, floated down the liffey, made a ninety-eight on a test. nothing else. i'm too bored to even drum up a nice little existential ponder session on...anything. i'm going to go sit and wait for something to happen now.

oh look, someone's having a mental breakdown.
let's watch.

that is all.

i had yet another test in math today. for once i am confident that i have done well. you know what i didn't do well on though? everything else i know i have an A in latin and english. everything else is...well not a mystery to me, but it is to you. i also stopped by the poetry queen's castle and dropped off the two things i was working on. it's good to have someone that i can talk to about this stuff. i can hopefully talk to her more tomorrow.

i have this journal that i used to get out that excess creativity i had in africa. i can't say that anything in there is any good. a lot of it is even worse than the stuff i have on this page here (and that's saying a lot). but that's not the point. i love that journal, the paper is so thick and clean i used to stare at the blank pages and just imagine. now i can't even touch that journal without feeling empty. like the creative energies have just been sucked out of me. i'm kind of afraid of it, it makes me feel caged. but i think that getting to the next stage in my writing means getting myself to the level where i can put pen to that paper and not box up all my ideas trying to protect them from whatever voodoo magic this thing has over me.

i'm going to go do some homework.

that is all. for now.

MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

ha.

i made up both of those tests today, i did well in latin and well enough in Government and Politics. i have an algebra II test tomorrow, i must go study now.

by the way, the english teacher (i've deemed her "poetry queen") that i gave one of my poems to said she liked it. i apparantly have potential. i swear to god i spent the next hour and a half after that practically beaming. i've come to realize that my little self contradiction of being shy and seeking attention at the same time has nothing to do with seeking attention. much as i try to deny it i think i'm really after some sort of validation from a completely objective source. that's why i never really act out or do anything "bad" to get attention, because that's not what i'm really looking for. it explains a lot of other things about me as well, getting to know me better everyday.

i'm so boring though. no, seriously. and now i'm not in the mood to elaborate.

that is all.

i had two count em two tests today, but i got out of both by way of tummy ache. (no i didn't fake it, i'm a good person). i have to take em tomorrow though and i can't say i'm completely prepared for either.

i wrote something today, it's a cool little story about the sun falling to earth and the stars filing in all pissed at getting up early. i'd post it but the language is horrible, all befuddled and mixed up like a bunny in the mud. that metaphor made little to no sense, but it's the first image that came to mind. i'm afraid to get to work on it, because it would take a lot of renovation, a lot of time to get it anywhere near right. and it's so empty right now. i'm saving it for later, or never.

that is all.

voices rise,
skyscrapers are scraping together.
your voice is smoking,
the last cigarette,
all you can get,
turning your orbit around.

jeff tweedy is awesome.

I'm finally doing my homework. listening to Trail of Dead, i'm really into them lately...them and kenna.

how special i'm posting lyrics. i really need a hobby.

Heart In The Hand Of The Matter

Ride the apocalypse
Coming through the city side
Fallen angel no need to hide
All bodies collide and fate decides
Where vengance hits
Where our love will fit
I can't find your face
I can't see a trace
In a world coming to a close
I'm so damned I can't win
With my heart in my hands again
Take your hurt
A muse of sin
With my heart in my hands again

And this is where it began
Shot through a shattered lens
And there is virtue in lonliness
In vacant lots and florescent malls
In one room coffins and crowded halls
There is nothing to be done
We have lost all control
I walk in the shadows of your tortured realm

I'm so damned
I can't win
With my heart in my hands again
Take your hurt
A muse of sin
Passing glance forgotten
Reason to doubt
So pry your eyes
From a film that never ends
I'm so damned
I can't win
With my heart in my hands again

Ride the apocalypse
Coming through the city side
There is nowhere to hide
Ride the apocalypse
Fallen angel no need to hide

- ...And You Will Know Us By the Trail of Dead

that is all. bitch.

i've had a four day weekend and i have yet to do any homework. i think i have problem.

and for the record, don't trust anything that i post past 10 pm. i'm trying to make this blog as personal as i can be comfortable with, but i gave the address to someone i know (probably a mistake). i don't think she'd care enough to tell anyone or even come here more than once, but i've done it once, i'll probably do it again.

i've been reworking my "golden" poem in my head all day, but i'm afraid to touch it.
there indeed may be superstitious writing on the walls.

in other news, i saw my friend walt in golden corral (disgusting buffet resturaunt that everyone in my family loves). i think i was kinda mean to him, but when i go to that resturaunt, i have to start hating everything about north carolina, then the south, then my family, then myself, then anything that comes in contact with me...just lot's a hate. it helps me cope.

that is all.

i went to the mall with matt just now. i haven't seen the guy in about four months so we had a nice little reunion. well it didn't feel like a reunion. no matter how long we've been apart it always feels like we've been aound each other the whole time (i think that has more to do with the wonders of instant messenger than the specialness of our friendship). Seeing him kinda reminded me about those lovely moments in the past few years of being in a nice tightly knit group. i have friends now, but i don't feel as close to them as i used to. it has nothing to do with the people, no one i know has changed much since middle school, so i guess it's me. i can see myself changing sometimes...not changing, but moving. i'm not sure if i'm just slipping away from everything else, or if the trees and the sun, the grass and the clouds are just quietly walking away, trying not to make too grandiose a gesture so that i won't notice and freak out over the whole inanimate turned animate spectacle. when i look at my self in the mirror even i feel farther away, and i don't know where i'm going. this entire thing just goes to show that i have too much time to ponder.

i'm going to start piano lessons in a few weeks, i'm so very happy.

"all these people drinking lover's spit."

ps. that little link now at the bottom of every post...yeah comments. if anyone reads, is reading, has read, or by some strange pre-determination will read this site. tell me so i can be creeped out. it'll be fun. really. (no i am not an ego maniac).

well, isabel ate me alive alright. i've been watching the trees blow around all day (in between tv and computer usage, thank god we still have power). it's kind of awe inspiring how their swaying can go from this gentle sort of melancholy dance, to an incredibly violent sort of submission. pretty.

i'm really bored, but no school today or tomorrow! which means a whole weekend to study for AP Government and Politics and Latin! YAY.

i fixed up that golden poem more but i'll just edit rather than repost it. it's changing, but not showing much potential, not really. i really want it to end up in a good place, only cause i feel this unidentified affinity for it. the princess poem was going really well this afternoon, but the lights went out right before i saved. grrrr. now i don't want to work on it.

i'm feelin' kinda lonely nowadays. all my friends are moving away from me. not completely, and not very far. but i'm one of the population of the solitary. the situation is obviously less dramatic than it sounds. but i realize that all my closest friends, the ones i know really well are kind of distanced now. i really don't want new friends. i hate being in high school. i feel like the poor man's Dawson's Creek. thank god they all died.

in the seventh grade i confessed to my favorite teacher how silly i thought the whole idea of middle school dating was. she told me that if i didn't try it for myself, my condescending views on the whole....i'm gonna say "institution", would develop itself into some random fear of either rejection or something equally as sucky. she said that eventually i'd find myself so starved for affection, (not the sex/kissy1 kind, and not the kind you get from friends and family, but that other kind) that i'd end up falling for the first person to show me even the tiniest amount...for better or worse.

sadly enough i think i'm heading down that road.
but i don't know what to do about it.

i'm sleepy now.
maybe isabel will eat me alive.
i like the way she blowss me.
(yes the hurricane "isabel", you perve)

wow this week has been busy,
two tests, 3 days to save my sucky grades, a new era in my writing, and the beginnings of an open mic club...
and i'm only on the second day :)/:(.

now i'm gonna go run around until i explode!

that is all.

oh yeah:
"c/dos"
"c/dos/run"
"run/dos/run"

frickin' hilarious!

FIRST DRAFT, so go ahead and cut me a piece of that slack there.
I made this. Yeah baby:

“Conversions”

XX
XX
XX
XX
XX
XX
XX
XX
XX
there was a poem there but it sucks beyond belief.

I wonder what inspired that one...

I bet today is gonna suck, but i must sleep now.

preperations for a flight into the apple of a stranger's eye.
when i am the worm
you know everything's gonna end up
tasting fine.
^-----------I like that, this is also the first time i've used at least partially correct capitilization in a post. YAY!

i haven't typed anything on this blog for like two days, i feel bad. my mom just saw me on this and started rumaging through all my posts while interrogating me on what me or any of my friends had to do with a gay straight alliance. grrr.

i finished a few songs on the computer yesterday, they turned out pretty cool for the most part. i'm so bad as an electronic artist though, i don't even know what i'm doing when it comes to like reverb and xy controlers and flangers and stuff, i just fiddle around till it either sounds really good or really weird (not sure which i prefer).

i also made some more changes to "the future...", i think it'll be pretty good in a few months. i'm gonna try and stick with it. make it all that it can be.

that's all for today. smack me when i slack off.

my drama teach was busy and i ended up getting sucked into the gay-straight alliance meeting that was being held in her room at lunch. that was actually loads of fun...except for the fact that i had to hang out with a couple of really intimidating people for a while. but danny was there, still bunches of fun.

our school literary magazine is holding a poetry contest, i might actually submit something, but if i do it has to be really good, like the best i've ever written (or something really bad, that way when i am inevitably rejected i won't necessarily have to put my head in a freezer bag and slit my wrists) . i'm definately submitting "the future's just regret without a name" for the short story contest they're having later in the year. that'll give me more time.

i don't know what to write about yet for the poetry thing though, the one about the princess from yesterday might be going somewhere, but it's nowhere near the final destination.

[edit]i forgot about 9/11 (as i write this it's like 9/19). a lot of people died around two years ago thanks some very stupid, senseless, and otherwise bad choices, and that's it. i'm not one to pay attention to politics, because it tends to be either so astonoshingly boring or beauricratic that it's just plain sickening. but i know that a lot of generally stupid people (particularly, rich, powerful, texan, republicans who make up a good portion of that there executive branch) who are making the mistake of coupling a tragedy with revenge or whatever the hell they wanna call it. let's face it, 9/11 was just the drop of fuel that really started the fire...or maybe GW was (i like scapegoats how about you?). anyway, the point is that people have stopped looking at 9/11 as a tragedy and started looking at it as an excuse. but it was a tragedy. a horrible horrible tragedy.

your politics, conspiracy theories, anger, or prejudice. your agendas, your lies, your protests, or your tiny little voice. none of it matters. none of it changes the fact that a lot of people died around two years ago, thanks to some very stupid, sensless, and otherwise bad choices.
that is all.

[/edit]

[edit] i was going through my stuff and found this baby (i fixed her up a bit):

“The Empty Field in Sunset”

The sun ruins my color
and remakes me in gold.
I shine like I showed you before,
but that sharp-toothed emptiness might fill me up.
I might find a son of god
reaching for my eyes.
Clouds bathing me in waves
of bleeding stars,
drafts crashing into
me as I fall upon a spike.
I might suffocate and choke on air.
Standing and waiting
for a mighty noise that jumps like silver,
and the toys that bust
inside planes and airbags.
Still, I swear
I am just a moment away from wings.
I am golden.
Golden.


yes? no? a little too pretentious? a little too romantic? i think it's actually kinda dark, a bit cynical. just a touch of sarcasm in a few places. but still weak, maybe i could use this... [/edit]

tomorrow i'm gonna talk to my drama teacher at lunch about starting up my open mic club. i hope this thing is successful, i could use the confidence boost (yeah i am that self centered and melodramatic). i haven't seen laura lately, i hope she's not sick.

when the princess returns,
everywhere will be gushing with love.
and our party will be running through mud
we'll be passing by...
the royalty is living well
kissing stones and temple bells
slipping on mud
and going on our way.

we think she loves the way things go,
happy and floating like sun on the snow.

sux.

today was a bit on the stressful side, but not horribly so. two of my friends are worrying me. i wish that i was prettier, then maybe all the girls would stop making fun of me. today i realized how annoying i can be, but still...i have my moments.

i've also realized how starved for attention i am. i do tend to victimize myself even if it's only in my mindset (still that has to transfer to real life). i wish i was a telepath, then i might be more sure about things. and listening in on my friends probably freaky sexual fantasies would make for a nice past time.

here's a thought: i seriously need to lose some weight, i'm bordering on eating disorder city (no not anorexia, the exact opposite, the more weight i gain the more i eat. on the other hand, you're looking pretty hefty there yourself...tubby.)

that's all
and yes i am a 265 lb black male
not a little girl
i think i might have issues
but small ones at the worst
i need a girlfriend

"she puts the weights into my little heart..."

ugh...music theory is kicking my ass.

and the short story from yesterday is incredibly pretentious.

my best friend walt can be a real butt sometimes, but i love him.

danny and pam are going out, i think. well i'm happy for them.

that's all.

i wrote another story, this is a fuller version than the one in my aim profile.

it's based on the first paragraph of another post...

"all that we are"

i was sitting in a pseudo-sophisticated cafe somewhere in the piss poor city, sipping water. i was there for a number of reasons, but at the moment in question i was trying to understand how the people in the city were getting along. everything about them seemed false, their happiness included, and that bothered me. as i immersed myself in thought, a strange man walked up to me. he was short, each eye a different color (black and green), his hair like a rusty mushroom head over his skull. he reminded me of a video game character, full of programmed life and energy. he stopped at my table and asked me a strange question barely hiding his excitement as he stared from his small shaking hands, to me, and back. he wanted to know what i'd do if i were granted the power to destroy anything at all. the question surprised me, especially because my state of mind had taken on a sort of good samaritan type outlook as i haughtily worried over the well-being of the people. i looked around avoiding his sharp and curious gaze. i rubbed my hands against my glass of water and noticed faint smears of red leaving their mark as i sweat blood again. trying to calm down so as to not permanently stain my suit i told him the first thing that came to mind, an idea that jumped off my tongue and into the air from completely alien origins. i told him that i would destroy all the lights reflected in the night sky.

seeming satisfied, he laughed and shot me through the heart, saying that the rampage had begun.
fin.

i showed that to a friend yesterday and she said that there was something innately homosexual about my stories. i didn't really know what to say to that. church was fun today, i worked in the nursery. now i must go do homework. and lot's of it.

WOO HOO!

i was supposed to meet a friend at the movies but she didn't show up. i think there might have been a breakdown in communication (because mr. communication has been over worked lately).

or i could draw the more reasonable conclusion and assume that no one loves me.
yes, i like that one.

i saw freaky friday, Jamie Lee Curtis is cool, and the only thing in that movie worth seeing. the stereotypically rebellious punk rock daughter was into a lot of bands that i am. that made me feel bad. still, some relatively memorable quotes from there, and the Flaming Lips were played in the background which made for some good singing along.

"you have actualy notes? but i thought you guys just played in the key of ROCK!"

i cross my heart and hope to die.
so goth.

if i could blow something up, anything at all. i would blow up a star. and millions of years from now when the light from that epic explosion finally reaches the earth, some highly evolved version of the human being, with absolutely no humanity within him... he might look up and laugh for the first and only time in his life.

i need to sleep, but i must not! kenna is on subterranean at 12! mtv 2 is my bitch now.

beep bloop death to the sock monkey. fock rock. you say folk? say wha?

so the story from yesterday isn't too strong. it's actually better than a lot of stuff i've written so i'm happy. i still can't get out any songs, that story would make a bad song written by anyone (except maybe Micheal Stipe, he's good at condenscing good stories into good poetry). i need to get more into R.E.M. in fact here's a list of artists i need to buy CD's of:


New Sacred Cow by Kenna, I own this already, but everyone else in the whole wide world should own it like me.

radiohead
nirvana
r.e.m.
the flaming lips
doves
the streets
cat power
built to spill
interpol
n.e.r.d.
my bloody valentine
shea seger
goldfrapp
super furry animals
prefuse 73
missy elliot (because i'm still black)
yeah yeah yeah's
white stripes
broken social scene
hot hot heat
...And You Will Know Us By The Trail Of Dead
bjork
(probably) beck
air
grandaddy (that single sounds pretty good even though everyone bashes the album, i don't know what to believe)

anyone who comes here should check out these artists, no i don't own any of their albums (well one of the white stripes) but i've downloaded enough to know that they're all awesome.

a week ago i would have had the new mars volta album on their, but thankfully i saw their new video, jesus that was cheesy. "now i'm lost" is an okay hook for a song at best, but cedric just suckt the life out of it. you know what else is bad? the new limp bizkit (yes all the old lb was just as bad), first they steal the line "i will eat you alive" from a GREAT radiohead song, and then they butcher it. at least fred durhst(sp?) has dropped all pretense of being able to rap. but still, FIRE AND DEATH RAIN DOWN UPON THEE!

i should learn how to drive.
then i can kill people,
with ease.

i wrote a story, editing like a mofo. in fact, this is edit # 7

"the future's just regret without a name"

thames reminded me of an actor, i can't remember anything about the actor, not even his name. but that's because i can't really remember much about thames. when i think about him my brain explodes into a flurry of images and sounds that are all blurry and none too clear. it kind of hurts when it happens, but i don't think about him much so that’s okay. i’m confident he had light hair and dark eyes (the colors i'm not sure of), but they both went together well, he looked just lik he should have been a movie star. i don't think he was too smart, just like a movie star i suppose. i think he was going to drop out of school, or already had, maybe he just never cared.

i know he was broken. like a toy, like a machine with just a little drop of soul. i could tell it was bad too, that he was running off of system errors and tears, that he needed mending. i still don't know how i could of helped though, we weren't friends, i just always kinda noticed him. movie star looks are hard to miss you know. i don't blame myself.

i also know he was into the brain. he'd always be reading these incredibly thick books on hypnosis and psychology and sociology (maybe he was smarter than i realized). all kinds of stuff written by arrogant PhD’s who probably never wanted their stuff read by some barely-literate high school failure.

i would watch him read. i remember he was animated, reading out loud with a barely contained energy i haven't seen anywhere since. he always looked up the words he didn’t know, but even getting along at the snails pace that he was he’d be jumping up and down like a maniac and clapping his hands. when he would find something he really liked he would stop reading and just laugh, scream at the top of his lungs. it was strange. i remember all this in particular because of the only clear memory i had of him. i had been watching him read in some large of our school and he had been doing his little whoop and holler dance when he first saw me. suddenly he tensed, started muttering, and then yelling. he let loose curses and obscenities i had never even heard before but just felt dirty. then he got this look, his eyes focused and a smile came to his face much like the one he would get when he was reading, and he clapped he his hands and screamed.

"Stop it!"

and i started fading. i could feel everything that was me detaching and dissolving, like sugar into coffee. and thames was receding into nothingness along with me, laughing all the way down. i could feel my legs walking away from him, i could hear him whooping with joy, i could feel my body readjusting to life with me gone, only i couldn't possibly have done or felt any of those things because i was too busy not existing. but then something in me sparked, like fire on the mountain. i realized that i was losing myself and all of a sudden i was fighting like hell to find me again. i started clawing and biting and screaming like an animal, waging an impossible war against an unending void. and as i lost, as the void began seeping up through the shell of my humanity and into the things that i truly am, i saw me from outside and inside like the most beautifully mundane thing that there ever was. and i came back, filled with darkness but back and safe and just a little unsound. that's how i remember those moments so clearly i guess. for the first time i found myself.

he died the next day, no funeral, or anything. i can't rightfully recall anyone noticing. he just stopped being there. i asked about him once, i had been talking to my principle about one of my many attitude problems when i asked him about thames. i hadn't meant to, it just came out. the guy looked at me funny and sent me away like any man who needs time to be alone and forget.

it's been months, and the funny thing about the whole situation is that no one has noticed the body. the one lying on the floor in the middle of the hallway with wrists and a neck like burst tomatoes. everyone just steps over it or walks around it. i don't know how they manage with the smell, because i can barely breathe, even when I’m nowhere near it. but from the look on thames’ face, i think he's happy with the way things went. everyone else is.

more homework to catch up on, my grades for this period aren't going to be stellar. that was a cool song, incubus is...i don't really have an opinion. their guitarist is cool, boyd has interesting lyrics, sometimes.

that's all.

i have an english paper that i should have started days ago due tomorrow. i hate writing these things. they're not at all difficult to do, not even difficult to do well, they're just time consuming. i need to run away far away tonight. i also need to be lazy and just stay home from school tomorrow, too bad my mommy doesn't believe in mental health...or their days.

i must do my homework...i must...i must...i must...


AAAAHH!